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Muh name's Amanda...
I AM CURRENTLY FEELING
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Dreams Friday, August 06, 2004
Lately, I've been having dreams, all of which, when I analyze them, are pretty much saying to leave someone or something I'm with right now. In one, a boy my age (he was gorgeous by the way *_*) was leading me over rocks, across a serene body of water, throwing back the snakes that were swimming towards us. He took my hand and lead me into an old, somehow familiar and comforting building, it was pitch black. That's not the entire dream in detail, but from what I picked apart, it's symbolyzing that this person is going to protect me, and lead me on the path to healing my old wounds, making me a much, much happier person. The symbols for rebirth were also present in the dream, so whoever this person is, I feel like I really need him right now ;-; I can feel myself sinking into another depression. I need some fucking help, like a psychologist. Or someone, anyone I can talk to. I've never had that. I'd come home from school, from being teased and such, I'd tell mommy and you know what she'd do? Tell me it's my own damn fault. I've never known anyone I can really pour my guts out to, I feel like I'm giving them my problems to deal with too, and nobody wants that. Meh, I shouldn't feel so lonely, but I do. I hate going somewhere when one of my friends is with thier 'someone'. It only reminds me more of what I want. But, I HAVE what I want, yet I still feel....empty, and very, very lonely. Another dream, one I had last night, had the guy I'm with in it, and a girl, something kinda clicked in my head and said he's with her. But, she started crying and hugged me, saying "He told me everything - I'm so, so sorry." It then flashed to a part where I was in the same field, but I was watching him through what seemed to be a cage, what really disturbed me was I was surrounded by what looked like decaying bodies, and I screamed and clawed at the cage, desperately reaching out for him, but he didn't seem to hear me. It goes from there to this part where we're al getting onto elevators, but I arrive too late and the girl gets on one with my boyfriend, I'm left behind alone. The only elevator left's got one of my friend's working it, and it's REALLY dangerous to try and get onto. But he helps me on. The elevator goes down, and I get off in what looks kinda like a really small, crammed version of CHS's auditorium. I make it through the crowd and start to head out where I know I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend - but I wake up there. I've been so confused lately, I feel like I'm gonna explode. I don't WANT to leave him, but all of the dreams I've been having have told me I need to leave him, I HAVE to, lest I am hurt again, left with another unhealing wound. I really wish there was someone who could give me useful advice, I'm having alot of family problems, too. I have to get away from all of it, I'm running out of hearts to break. Blah! Monday, July 19, 2004
Well, we were planning on going to Treasure Island, something we do every summer, and stay for 3 or 4 days. So I'm thinking yay, I FINALLY get to do something! I LOVe going there, its so fun ^_^ ...Fucking wrong ~_~;;;. We were supposed to leave today, but my mom got held up at work, which really pissed me off. Maybe I'll redecorate thier offices for them. I hope they like the color of thier insides >_>;;;;;;; Well, we ended up not being able to go tonight because it was so late. Alright, we're held up a day, no biggie. WRONG AGAIN! Later my dad and I went to go drop the animals off for boarding, and some asshole almost literally pushes the car into another lane, almost hitting us and several other people in the process. The guy was so stupid, that he forgot to roll down his window when he screamed at my dad. HAH. Waste of oxygen *nod* >_> But that's not the bad part. As my mom was pulling into Walgreens to get some last-minute stuff for our little mini-vacation, we hear this weird noise, and suddenly my mom has no control over her car. She finally caught on that her power steering was out, and slowly managed to turn into the Walgreens parking lot, and call a tow truck. Well, they said they'd take from an hour to and hour and a half because theyve only got one truck, and it's dealing with an accident. We find out that a belt was out, and this pulley thing that keeps it in place is like bent around from the pressure of the belt pulling on it, until it finally snapped. Both the belt and the other thingy will need replaced. Damnit, now my parents are saying we'll either have to wait until next week, see what happens tommorow morning, or not go at all. I am so angry right now ~_~ but I'm too tired to disembowl anyone, so I'll just dream about it x) I'm outz, yalls! Almost forgot Sunday, July 11, 2004
I've had this stange pain in my back for a few days now, and we know it's not muscle pain. I haven't been able to eat or drink much without losing it, although I think that's from the stress of this whole asshole boyfriend crap. Anyways, my mom says I probably have some kind of infection in one of meh insides o.o so, I'll be finding out about that tommorow or the day after. Well, he's at a movie with HER. And I'm crying again. Scared. I feel so.....alone. I don't want to go back to how I use to be, that shy little girl in the corner that only got the occasional glance, either because someone felt sorry for her, or thought she was a complete freak. I can't believe him, how he could hurt me like this. I can't believe that even after this I still love him with all of my heart. I just....I don't know what to say other than I would give anything to be able to close my eyes tonight, and never have to open them again. God, I hate this beautiful world. LOVE FUCKING SUCKS Saturday, July 10, 2004
God....I just found out that chris is cheating on me....again....I hope i find my father's handgun soon. Once I do.... Seriously. That's what I want right now. I would give anything to be able to give up, to just lay down and die. I'm too young for this. I feel like I've lived hundreds of years, maybe it's the whole lack of a childhood thing. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life...as short as it may have been up until now. All I want is someone who will love me, and make me feel like everything is okay, no matter what happened in the past....what DID happen in the past will never, ever leave me. To be loved....to have someone who loves me the way I thought he did...Is that so much to ask? I've longed for it, so much. Slit my wrists, crying at night because I know i will never get the one thing I long for the most....Why? WHY?? YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD FIX ALL THAT YOU FUCKED UP. WELL YOU CAN THANK YOURSELF IF I BLOW MY BRAINS OUT IN THE NEAR FUTURE. I don't think it will actually happen....but if it does, youd better know who you are, you've made me the happiest, and the most miserable, person in the world. When I met him....I didn't think I could be so happy, I felt alive, I love him so much and I always will...I felt like I was on top of the world, and nothing at all could bring me down. He gave me a reason to live again. Came into my life at such a hard time, and gave me all I'd ever wanted. And now he takes it away...its killing me...I should have listened to jerry...he was right....my boyfriend did it once and he would do it again. I'm a pathetic, blind fool. God....I can't stop shaking, and crying, I'm a wreck. Maybe what I think is right - only those amazing, gorgeous girls can ever have a loving, faithful boyfriend. my throat and stomache are killing me, I'm getting refluxes(sp? ... its when the acid in your stomach rises into your throat, I have a reflux disease. It's extremely painful, although Im hardly noticing it at the moment, I will feel it later though) from the stress. I WANT him to know the torture he's put me through....I will always, always love you chris, despite the pain you've caused me, but I know now that I can only watch from a distance and long to be in your arms.... Quiz Stuff o.o Saturday, July 03, 2004
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| Personality Disorder Test Results
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| Eysenck's Test Results |
| Extraversion (42%) moderately low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof. Neuroticism (72%) high which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous. Psychoticism (53%) medium which suggests you are moderately offensive, uncooperative, and rebellious. |
Brain Lateralization Test Results |
| Right Brain (64%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (62%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain |
| INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population. |
