God....I just found out that chris is cheating on me....again....I hope i find my father's handgun soon. Once I do....


Seriously. That's what I want right now. I would give anything to be able to give up, to just lay down and die. I'm too young for this. I feel like I've lived hundreds of years, maybe it's the whole lack of a childhood thing. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life...as short as it may have been up until now. All I want is someone who will love me, and make me feel like everything is okay, no matter what happened in the past....what DID happen in the past will never, ever leave me. To be loved....to have someone who loves me the way I thought he did...Is that so much to ask? I've longed for it, so much. Slit my wrists, crying at night because I know i will never get the one thing I long for the most....Why? WHY?? YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD FIX ALL THAT YOU FUCKED UP. WELL YOU CAN THANK YOURSELF IF I BLOW MY BRAINS OUT IN THE NEAR FUTURE. I don't think it will actually happen....but if it does, youd better know who you are, you've made me the happiest, and the most miserable, person in the world. When I met him....I didn't think I could be so happy, I felt alive, I love him so much and I always will...I felt like I was on top of the world, and nothing at all could bring me down. He gave me a reason to live again. Came into my life at such a hard time, and gave me all I'd ever wanted. And now he takes it away...its killing me...I should have listened to jerry...he was right....my boyfriend did it once and he would do it again. I'm a pathetic, blind fool. God....I can't stop shaking, and crying, I'm a wreck. Maybe what I think is right - only those amazing, gorgeous girls can ever have a loving, faithful boyfriend. my throat and stomache are killing me, I'm getting refluxes(sp? ... its when the acid in your stomach rises into your throat, I have a reflux disease. It's extremely painful, although Im hardly noticing it at the moment, I will feel it later though) from the stress. I WANT him to know the torture he's put me through....I will always, always love you chris, despite the pain you've caused me, but I know now that I can only watch from a distance and long to be in your arms....